The Muppet Show
Kermit: "And now I want you to close your eyes and think of exotic Greek dancers, because if you open them you'll see this."
Kermit: "And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out there?"
Kermit: "OK, well, we've done a lot for the music lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music haters. So here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo singing a song."
Kermit: "Yay. Uh, those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries."
Kermit: "My profile has been compared to Barrymore."
Sweetums: "Yeah, Ethel Barrymore."
Miss Piggy: "Kermit, do you notice that every time we have a beautiful girl on the show, you forget about me?"
Kermit: "Uh, yeah well, we could have a seal act on the show, and might forget about you."
Miss Piggy: "He tries to desperately to hide his love for me."
Robot Kermit: "Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin ' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?"
Miss Piggy: "Snuggle bunny? Why, uh..."
Robot Kermit: "Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs."
Miss Piggy: "Holy Guacamole! This looks like a job for Wonder Pig."
Lynda Carter: "Wonder Pig?"
[Luke Skywalker and C-3PO, from the movie Star Wars, are making a guest appearance on the show "Pigs in Space". Pointing at Miss Piggy, who's dressed like Princess Leia]
Luke Skywalker: "Look, it's the Princess!"
C-3PO: "She doesn't look anything like the Princess!"
[sternly, to C-3PO]
Miss Piggy: "Watch it, hardware!"
[Miss Piggy mistook Gonzo's love letter on her dressing room door for a letter from Kermit. Singing]
Gonzo: "She kissed me... She put her arms around me and she kissed me..."
Miss Piggy: "It was a CASE of mistaken identity!"
Gonzo: "Oh, hug me Miss Piggy! HOLD me!"
Miss Piggy: "I will not hug you, you... TWIT TURKEY!"
Gonzo: "Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!"
Miss Piggy: "Will you beat it, twerp?"
Gonzo: "Just touch me, o hog of my heart!"
Miss Piggy: "Here's a touch for ya, wimp buzzard!"
Gonzo: "I'm ready!"
[She karate chops him and leaves. Singing]
Gonzo: "She touched me... She swung her porky pinky's and She touched me."
Gonzo: "For you, I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe, for you. That was the first verse. Would you like to hear the other 28?"
Gonzo: "Kermit, are you busy?"
Kermit: "Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a moment."
Gonzo: "What would I do with your ear?"
Kermit: "Van Gogh impressions."
Gonzo: "As long as I'm here, I'd like to donate my body to science."
Rowlf: "With your body it would be donated to science fiction."
Janice: "To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?"
Gonzo: "So what? I believe in re-incarnation."
Miss Piggy: "What would you come back as next time?"
Gonzo: "How should I know. I don't even know what I am this time."
Statler: "You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music."
Waldorf: "What's that got to do with what we just heard?"
Statler: "Nothing, just thought I'd mention it."
Statler: "Ah, there's nothing like grand opera."
Waldorf: "And that was nothing like it."
Waldorf: "Greek music, very appropriate for the pigs."
Statler: "The pigs are from Greece?"
Waldorf: "The pigs are greasy."
[after a musical number with bugs]
Waldorf: "That number made me nostalgic."
Statler: "Nostalgic for what?"
Waldorf: "Well, you gotta give them credit."
Statler: "Why's that?"
Waldorf: "Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right."
Waldorf: "Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?"
Statler: "Well, I once saved a rat from drowning."
Waldorf: "Really, how?"
Statler: "I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!"
Waldorf: "I remember Ethel Merman in the opening of "Panama Hattie"."
Statler: "You're old enough to remember Teddy Roosevelt at the opening of the Panama Canal."
Waldorf: "That number scared the pants off of me."
Statler: "Are you sure you didn't just forget to put them on?"
Statler: "How do you feel about nudity?"
Waldorf: "Well, frankly, it leaves me cold."
Statler: "This show brought a tear to my eye..."
Statler: "Yeah, I'm sitting on a tack."
Waldorf: "These seats are awful."
Statler: "Why? Can't you see anything?"
Waldorf: "That's the problem. I can see everything."
Statler: "Please don't make me watch it."
Waldorf: "I've got half a mind to leave."
Statler: "If you had half a mind, you wouldn't be here."
[Roger Moore has just sung "If I Could Talk To The Animals"]
Statler: "Well I guess I'll go talk to the animals."
Waldorf: "What animals?"
Statler: "The wife and kids."
Waldorf: "Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens."
Waldorf: "It ends."
Statler: "This show is awful!"
Waldorf: "See you next week?"
Statler: "Of course."
Kermit: "Fozzie, what are you doing with this typewriter on my table?"
Fozzie: "Kermit, I am writing the script for this week's show!"
Kermit: "What makes you think the show needs a script?"
Fozzie: "Oh, come on Kermit! Every show has a script! Yeah, that way you leave nothing to chance!"
[Rowlf and Lew Zealand enter, about to go on stage for the Musical Moment]
Fozzie: "Hey guys! Guys! This is the Musical Moment for this week."
Rowlf: "Curtains open. Rowlf and Lew Zealand do something funny. Curtains close."
[calling after Rowlf and Lew Zealand exit for the stage]
Fozzie: "Go get 'em!"
Kermit: "You leave nothing to chance, huh?"
Fozzie: "Trust me."
Fozzie: "Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers."
Kermit: "Oh you think so huh?"
Fozzie: "Oh I know so. I know so."
Kermit: "Ok, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you."
Kermit: "But Fozzie - I expect a great comeback."
Fozzie: "Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster."
Kermit: "I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that."
[Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken]
Fozzie: "What do you think, huh? Too subtle?"
[as Nurse Piggy]
Miss Piggy: "It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him."
[as Doctor Bob]
Rowlf: "Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago."
[a telephone is the Veterinarians Hospital patient]
Rowlf: "What's wrong with it?"
Miss Piggy: "It's not working."
Rowlf: "Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me."
Janice: "Maybe it's a PAY phone."
[treating a viking pig]
Rowlf: "I know all about them - they come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a viking!"
Miss Piggy: "Oh, this isn't going to be a Great Dane joke, is it?"
Rowlf: "Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great."
Muppet Newsman: "Here is a Muppet News Flash. An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news... In other news, a black and yellow striped mackerel was elected king this morning."
Muppet Announcer: "Here is a Muppet News Flash."
[runs to the desk]
Muppet Announcer: "There is no news tonight."
Muppet Announcer: "And now, "Vetenarian's Hospital". The continuing story of an orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs."
Muppet Announcer: "Is this the end of Pigs in Space?"
Muppet Announcer: "Tune in next week when..."
Muppet Announcer: "All right, then don't. See if I care."
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: "Think of the safety. Think of the sense of well-being. At last, your family can be protected from the heartbreak of gorilla invasion."
Sam the American Eagle: "Ah, Beethoven. He's my favorite playwright."
Sam the American Eagle: "Kermit, about this Elton John."
Sam the American Eagle: "I have seen some pretty WEIRD guests on this show, but this Elton John borders on the revolutionary!"
Kermit: "Sam, Elton John is a very important musician."
Sam the American Eagle: "Then why does he dress like a stolen car?"
Sam the American Eagle: "Mr. Cooper"
[turning to face him]
Alice Cooper: "Yes?"
Sam the American Eagle: "Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty freako!"
Alice Cooper: "Why, thank you!"
Sam the American Eagle: "Freakos: One, civilization: Zero."
[Alice Cooper talking to The Devil on a two way radio]
Alice Cooper: "Hello, Boss? No, no I didn't make a sale. Uh, listen do I get any commission on hourly rentals?"
[flames shoot out of the radio in response]
Alice Cooper: "Whew, touchy!"
Roger Moore: "Kermit, is it always like this on the show?"
Kermit: "Like what, Roger?"
Roger Moore: "Well all this craziness."
Kermit: "Oh, well actually this has been a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far."
[he is run over by the Vet's Hospital cast]
Roger Moore: "No unforeseen disasters?"
Kermit: "Uh, that was a disaster we knew about all along."
Pops: "Who're you?"
Gladys Knight: "I'm Gladys Knight."
Pops: "Yeah, me, too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day."
Candice Bergen: "Kermit, he ate my camera."
Kermit: "You're lucky. Last week he ate the guest."
Lou Rawls: "Animal you know, you play the drums so good, I mean you take the sticks and you really lay down some great percussion!"
Animal: "Percussion! Wha!"
Floyd: "Uh, Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him."
Lou Rawls: "Oh yeah? Well how to do tell a guy like that that his work with the sticks is DOWN? He can really put some soul in the bowl, you know what I'm saying?"
Floyd: "Oh yeah, well that's easy. Animal! Good drummer!"
Animal: "Good drummer, good drummer, good drummer."
[Animal rubs up against Floyd like a cat]
Lou Rawls: "Well let me ask you this: you see I've got this long road trip coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?"
Floyd: "Oh no, you couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou."
Lou Rawls: "Why not, man? The cat's good."
Floyd: "Aw, you couldn't get a long enough chain!"
Animal: "Chain! Chain!"
[Animal chews on his chain]
Lou Rawls: "Come on, Floyd. Just let me discuss it with him man to man, okay?"
Floyd: "Man to man? This dude don't know Animal! Okay Lou, there's his chain, but let me ask just one favor."
Lou Rawls: "Yeah baby?"
Floyd: "Don't let him chase any cars."
Lou Rawls: "Don't let him chase any CARS?"
[Animal chases after the car, dragging Lou with him]
[Buddy Rich runs into Dr. Teeth, leading Animal on a chain leash. Rich and Animal have agreed to a drum battle]
Buddy Rich: "He looks like a sore loser."
Dr. Teeth: "Yeah, well, if this chain breaks, you're gonna be a SORE WINNER. Animal... are you ready?"
[waking up and seeing Buddy]
Animal: "KILL! KILL!"
Buddy Rich: "Yup, he's ready!"
[Harry is asked where he gets his ideas for his songs]
Harry Belafonte: "Well, they don't come easily, you have to get inspired. Like the song we're going to do next; I discovered that song in Africa. I was a country called Guinea; and I went deep into the interior of the country and in a little village, I met with a storyteller. And that storyteller went way back into African tradition and African mythology and began to tell the story about the fire, which means the sun, and about the water and about the earth and that he pointed out that all these things put together turn the world around. And that all of us are here for a very, very short time and in that time when we're here, there really isn't any difference in any of us if we take time out to understand each other. And the question is, do I know who you are, do you know who I am, and we care about each other? Cause if we do, together, we can turn the world around."
[after dispatching a Muppet character by working a trapdoor lever]
Paul Simon: "I love it, but of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever."